it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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