Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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