i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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