when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
