Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
