Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
