I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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