when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
