I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
