Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
