the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
