I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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