you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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