My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
