Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
