So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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