life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
