On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
