I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
