I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
