How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
