need another drink. this is the easiest way
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize