you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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