I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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