I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
