Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
