Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
