Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He did a backflip because drugs
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