The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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