I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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