If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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