did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Drunk is not a location!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
