You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize