gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
