Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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