First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
