Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize