When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's shark week go big or go home
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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