My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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