i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize