Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
