I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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