It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
