So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize