Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize