I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize