thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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