just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize