but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
