I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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