Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize