Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
