nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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