After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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