When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
