he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
