Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
