Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
