I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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