I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
