Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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