he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
