I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
