what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
