it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
