i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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